Do You Lead with Your Values or Occupation?

Do you equate your work with your worth? Many times we find ourselves feeling either very worthy because we received a big promotion at work or completely unworthy because we got laid off. Is work a priority for you above all else? My husband can not say no to a job. He has been working 7 days a week for a couple years now and refuses to take a vacation. He feels the pressure of life on his shoulders and doesn’t believe he can slow down. Do you trick yourself into believing that to slow down would be irresponsible? Do you come up with excuses for overworking? Do you place all your value into the job/career/hobbies you have? When you meet someone for the first time what do you lead with? My husband always says, “ Hi my name is Joe. I am an HVAC guy.” Or “I am a car guy.” Depending on where we are or what the situation is, as if that is all he is, he places his worth in what he does, not who he is.

Now I know, not everyone reads the Bible and I am not judging you either way, but in Genesis (the first book of the Bible) it states that on the seventh day after God completed creation He rested. It goes on to say that He sanctified that day as Holy. So, if God sees fit to rest at least one day a week don’t you think it is possible for you to rest as well?

We as women may not think that is what we do, but have you ever said, “I am just a mom. Or I just stay home with my kids.”? If you work outside the home do you place your value in your occupation? Do you take pride in not staying home with your kids? Your life has real value because you “work” for a living?

I used to pride myself in being a working mom. I wasn’t one of those “stay at home” moms. I had a “real” job, and then my second daughter was born with Down Syndrome. And just as soon as I thought I had life figured out, as soon as I thought I knew who I was. My life changed. I had put my value in my career. I had no idea who I was without my “real job”. My husband and I had never even met anyone with a child with Down Syndrome or knew anyone in our community that had this extra chromosome. We decided as a “team” that I would be the one to quit my job and stay home with her to figure this thing out. It didn’t feel like a team decision. It felt like I had no choice in the matter. That’s what you do right? You’re the mom! You are the one that has to figure this out for your child. So I did. I did it very reluctantly, because remember I put all my value in my career. So who was I if I didn’t have that anymore?

I was now an advocate for my child. This was my new job. There was no time for postpartum depression or new special needs mom depression, or your child is different from all the rest depression. There was too much to do for me to worry about myself. There were doctors to see, and therapy sessions to attend. There were rallies and things that were like job fairs with information, but no jobs. It was a whole new world for us. One that I was sure I was not qualified for, one I know I did not apply for, but it was my new world just the same. I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart, I had to have it all together. Maybe this was my fault because I chose to become a mother at 37. Maybe this was my fault because I was so busy chasing my career instead of having children when I was young. It felt like it was my fault, as if we were being punished for something I did or said. But, nothing could have been farther from the truth. I just didn’t know it yet.

One thing that having a child with special needs does is make you reevaluate your values and priorities. We had to decide what was really important in our life. Have you ever stopped long enough to realize that you are prioritizing the wrong things? Maybe, just maybe you are valuing stuff over the people in your life. Do you find yourself envying the stuff your neighbors have? Or the stuff the people you follow on social media appear to have? Are you constantly comparing yourself to others? We didn’t even realize that is how we were living our lives. We continued to live as if we had two incomes. We didn’t change our spending habits and we blew through all of my 401k in about a year or two. This didn’t happen overnight. To be honest, those years are pretty much a blur to me. I was working on autopilot. I was learning new things (hypotonia and sleep apnea), meeting new people (doctors, therapists, and specialists), going new places (sleep study centers, hospitals, doctor’s offices), and my little girl was growing up in this new world all while my oldest daughter was growing up in her own.

I hated the thought of her not having the childhood she should because she had a baby sister with Down Syndrome. I didn’t want her world to change, but it did. I was worried it was going to have a negative effect on her. That somehow her life was going to be worse than it would have without her sister in it. But I was wrong, she has been her biggest advocate. She is a champion for children with special needs. She has grown up with a child that was born with Down Syndrome as being normal. She doesn’t shy away from people who are different from her, she embraces them. Through Sib Shops (a beautiful community of siblings of children with special needs) she has friends that have gone through the same challenges she has. She never had to learn the stuff I did because it was always a part of her life. Her worth will never come from a position because she was raised with the knowledge that everyone was born worthy regardless of how society views them. If there is anything that having a daughter with special needs has taught me it is that everyone has a purpose and God has a plan.

Do you know what your purpose is or what you are passionate about? It is not for us to judge others on the choices they make. I may have not known His plan for my life when I put my worth in my work, but I do now. If you lead with your values, what it is that you hold dear, your authentic self, life is so much sweeter. Life is not a race, there isn’t a finish line. If you confuse busyness with hard work thus giving yourself a false sense of identity, I would encourage you to slow down. Take a deep breath, look deep within your soul, and start asking the hard questions. Begin with, who am I really? What do I value? And why am I here? If you need help starting your journey I would be honored to share what I have learned along the way. Life is a journey with many twists, turns, and blind spots. Enjoy the ride.